After all the carnage, pain, devastation after I broke my record, awake almost 9 days – I was excited to get to the treatment center. Unlike the other times – DUE to the fact that after my experience and salvation via these psych tools and GOD most of all. I had the toolbox, but things were coming loose mainly because of a natural tolerance developed to the medication.
I will admit now, I should NOT have been driving – not from something obvious like drinking/DUI – but I was so spacey, started hallucinating. I found an old adderal in my center console just to get there. I was expecting huge relief as I had informed the owner of my condition and experience. I have developed many coping techniques over the years, healthy outlets during certain moments rather than negative. The first 5 years of my Bipolar was a wild ride, broken hand, 5150 – lost!!. But when tools learned applied and understood, I was able gain more control and stabalize for nearly 10 years following a strict, consistent routine. This was taught and beat into me during the earlier. I told them that I have been successful because of these healthy coping mechanisms (exercise, journal, Bible, etc) regardless, I needed the place to allow for flexibility so I can access the tools, techniques taught.
Hate to say it – but I am experienced and know what I need from this program:
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Med switch / balance
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Re-Center / Wind Down
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Refine Tools/ Add
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Most important – THERAPY!! Mountains of it… Specifially family.
I feel like we speak different languages – and then I get hurt more. Im not sure – but I need to be able to pass along what Im trying to communicate.
When I arrived – instead of a sigh of relief, it got much worse – not because I didnt want to comply, but because it felts like mixed information and it was producing anxiety.
I pulled up to the place – walked in to say hi and before I knew it, my whold care was stripped and every inch covered. Since I was camping in the desert AND have a concealed carry, I had 6 guns in car and God knows what else, which can shift narrative and focus. Im 100% honest with my wife –
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All clothes randomly selected / pulled – no choices
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Phone immediately pulled and I asked for final cut off
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Joy was dropped by Kristen (love)
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Things got pretty tough when asking for basic items and not having them while freaking out.
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Journal
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Bible
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Headphones
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Pillow for Knee (back pain)
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Then, after electing to stop opiates and in MASSIVE pain – stopping all gummies (knew), I begged for Tylenol and BackBrace – denied
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Lastly, after over a week no sleep, manic – at 6pm i felt tired, listed to my body and asked for my sleep meds – denied until 8 even though I just gave them over – 8 took and spun out
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It was so bad – that I had the thought, “I should’ve when I had the chance”
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Things got better in the morning – Im here to partner and Improve –
However, it makes NO sense to have healthy coping and routine installed, gained stabiity and when asking – denied for the sake of stability.
Following day much better as far as accommodation and got some sleep- However, I asked to go to the GYM to loosen up and do my routine, my pain is sky hi. I was patient – it got to the point of GYM or ER soon – still no.
Ironic as I came here to calm my mind, I learned the best ways to do so – I used over many years and gained stability ONLY to have it take from another treatement program WITH backpain?
Talked to director – hope we can adjust.