Looks like the invert of what was told is happening. I came here electively, excited even to get a few things handled. I talked to Daniel, explained my story in detail all the experience, things spinning up and exploring a reset. I told him I have been through these programs, I have learned coping mechanism and the collective has enabled my recovery, stability for that long stretch. I picked up the tools that worked along the way…
Self awareness is probably the single biggest gift and tool. Know thyself in the moment, anxious, manic, rageful – what are you now and how to adjust / safeguard. This is documented extensively way before this. current thing.
I developed a military like routine – consistent fitness, therapy, journal, Dr, blood tests, – I learned to pay attention to myself and my body.
So – going to a mental health recovery place like this I know what I want / need.
How is it that many treatement centers install the the tools to survive – the healthy coping mechanisms – the onces we can verify I employ regularly and has indeed enabled long term stability.
Physcial pain – is terrible for mental heealth – thoughts of despair, hopelessness – but nope – Im grinding this out, working on physical body and tryiny to control the mind…. Just like when I was begging for my Journal / Bible first night crisis – and many other items to alleviate pain, anxiety and mania – back brace, Tylenol, meds when I was naturally tired, all stuff scrambled, Thank God, slept a few hours that. night, I do not know how but it was enough to feel a bit better, bounce back. Next day, started collecting scattered items (still no glasses) –
As Im settling in -gathering my lifelines. I was and have been adamant about physical fitness – back is frozen, Im on zero pain meds or gummies – rather than push for the percocet I could – I begged for the gym all day. Was strung along and ultimitaley didnt go. Pain climbing higher, I am in disbelief as I am trying to do some kind of exercise in my room.
Shocked – how can you have many mental health crisis years ago – forced through programs kicking and screaming – but it wasnt bullshit, these tools saved my life multiple times – that story of Gods purpose, hand in everything is the lesson. I understand the rigid structre as policy of this place – I learned its vital and can be life saving when you want it all dine.
Ive wanted to come for tune up as discussed throughout the year. I was slighlty ‘OFF” then – there was no outside influence – I maintained routine, listened to my body and responded with the HEALTHY coping mechanism I have learned. ]
Now – I felt like I was pushed off the cliff by surprise loss of so much, including theraputic items. What started as slightly off has turned to a nightmare. Self fullfilling prophecy – I dont agree such extreme action was warrranted but still, want to understand.
What I do know is i used ALL psych tools, sprititual gifts to make here. Then many of my person coping items are stripped from me suddenly and I have to beg for each back?
This is INDUCING anxiety – I am 10x more anxious now than when I arrived. I need to speak to the Therapist all day long – process this.
Its beyond ironic to me – I held baclk from the brink many times but this most recent was the most dire, still I would NOT.
Came here for refuge – and just spun up… then the reponse to pain feedback, beggin for fitness, parts of my success routine.
Thats the point and the irony – I came here to work on my mental health – my awareness and fortitude was there but I wanted tuning.
Exhausted – I was excited for bed – beyond – becuse it was natural, I had some hope in my heart and I know the importance of sleep. Instead, as predicted – back pain so high, wouldnt let take meds when naturally ready and when asked reasons are ‘stabailization’ – but the irony is the rigidity and inability to apply tools when I need to has made everything worse.
When did fall asleep – remember waking up feel like I had no control and couldnt move. I panics and spun up to try to wake – it was strange – then each time my brain was about to fade out, it was disrputed – Toss Toss Toss – anxious – etc. I would have take an extra sleeping med if i had control – instead I asked for Seroquel but didnt prefer. He said – lets start with 100 and go from there. There needs to be room for adjustment. Still, I was tired – ready for sleep etc… I waited on the dot for the med and then nightmare night.
Jesus -why is it all so hard and painful? I just wanted sleep – I just want then to listen to me. I was 10% off when this started, now it feeks like 90%. – this place should be refuge, not remove the coping tools used.
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Update: Staff heard me for once – meds have been adjusted again. Pain has taken over, so bad – they finally got me the bath stop and we are going to the gym. So small pieces of relief. My world will turn again once I connect to Kristen.