I used to think that if I documented my story, people would be able to see the sum total of all I had been through and hopefully draw inspiration from the same. I am learning as I have passed this website out to friends, family, pastors – the lack of follow up is telling. Maybe I don’t have a crazy story, maybe I am not destined to find hope and inspire others through the sharing of my experiences and suffering.
This has been one of the hardest 11 months of my life. Last October I started a 3 month medical leave with the intent of returning to work January 5th only to have everything upended when I was forced into the inpatient treatment center followed by 4 months of intensive outpatient. When I returned to work May 1, I was so touched at the fact my job remained and so many people were excited to welcome me back. This jubilation lasted 8 working days when I was included in a RIF – reduction in force and was subsequently laid off from my job of 12 years, just as I was regaining my footing. Since then it has been nothing but uncertainty – I interviewed many times over and had only 1 tangible offer come in. As the time marched on I was forced into a decision in which I accepted the position and reluctantly returned to the world of consulting. I hate the consulting model, I hate being dispatched to project after project never really sinking my teeth in long term to a platform I own from the client perspective. Now I am scrambling to catch up in areas I have little experience in as I realize how immature LinkedIn was in their usage of the platform I am supposed to be an expert on. Not only did they consume 12 years of my life, they stifled my career and stunted my progression. I am very concerned these deficits are going to be on full display shortly when it comes time to deliver on the projects assigned.
I feel like I have lost my tether and am anchorless in this world going to shit faster than we can keep track of. I thought I was don’t with uncertainty and pain. I had my spiritual awakening, sold out in my faith only to be attacked every which way. I was taught I cannot depend on any human in this world, I can only depend on God and the grace found through Christ. I just didn’t think I would be tested to this degree immediately following my spiritual connection. Since that moment I have: lost wife, home, family, friends, sanity – I was psychiatrically hospitalized, kicked to the curb early from treatement for bogus reasons, extended leave into IOP, regained job only to immediately lose it and now grasping for straws at a new job where I am the new guy desperately trying to prove my worth and continue to provide for my family. I am so stressed about everything my sleep is impacted, my mental health is declining, my marriage is taking a toll and all I see when I look around is how successful and happy everyone is around me while I drown. I’m filled with regret of my stupid decisions, especially financial – I was given a great opportunity to advance my family and I squandered it. I have hardly anything to show and now I know that it is highly unlikely I will ever find a gig like LinkedIn. I had hope for my many companies and projects I have worked on so diligently but every turn there is a denial or blocker. Coreshift – I thought the bots would take off like a rocket, only to find them stifled at every corner. I thought Digital Coreshift using scrapers to find potential clients based on evaluation of their current site and scoring would hit – not one response. I thought my patent idea FanWave would go – I sent emails, letters with prototypes to all the major decal companies only to be ignored to told NO. I thought FightThis was a great idea that would turn into automatic mailbox money – I optimized, advertised, broadcasted on social media and I have had little to no response. I have JohnnyAI with Ben, the lighting quote automation project which is still to be decided as well as NexisHealth AI with Dan in the same position. The only successful, profit making venture I have had is doing Adil’s concierge medicine technology. The referrals provided from him have yet to pan out – I am so tired of failure – it has never been this hard all my life. I am 43 and feel like I have no footing whatsoever. Jesus – I pray for a renewed spirit, I pray your hand in all my ventures and if it be your will, success with one or more. Restore and strengthen my faith – give me endurance to continue on.