mini
Parker’s full name is Darrin Parker Abell - he is a copy of me in so many ways. For years, Kristen and the boys would joke and call him my mini me, hence the title.
But now things are different, very. I will be honest and direct - I have not seen my son for 1 year. There has never been anything in my life that has cut as deep as this has. I feel like my fatherhood was stripped from me. I have made myself abundantly flexible and available for him accross so many events, weekends, holidays, birthdays - there was nothing that happened. I have written letters, texts, emails, voice memos, cards, gifts, lost iphone messages - never once did I raise my voice, explode in anger or let loose my emotions as is such a natural tendency for me. I know myself - I need to be reminded of myself and had it tattooed recently on my forearm. The idea is to remember and respond (which might be no response) as a result. Parker has forfeited things he loves to do independent of myself or family - summer river trips, Disneyland, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, NY, Baja, Desert Trips, Grand Canyon trip - so much lost.
He has removed himself from ALL family members with the last name Abell. My parents, brothers, their cousins, everyone.
I wanted to document a current state of affairs….
Tomorrow is a big day - I have had no contact, schedule, plan since May 2022 and now due to Parker’s poor grades, a meeting has been called and we are all meeting at his school to discuss his classes with Christina, myself, Parker, counselors and teachers. At this point, circumstance has finally forced a situation in which I will see my son face to face. I pray for calmness, peace, slow to response, anger.
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FOLLOW UP
This is long overdue and should have been incremental.
I went to the Parent/Teacher/Student conference with Parker, Christina and his teachers. It was the first time I had seen my son in an entire year, I had so many emotions flowing at once. Still, I remained calim, was genuinely interested. We went through the meeting, each class and corresponding teacher went through status and next steps.
At the point of conclusion, he darted toward the door and to class. I quickly walked toward him, I could feel Christina and his counselor hovering in, still I just looked at him directly in the eyes and told him I missed him and I loved him. That was the first reconnection point.
I later came by the house for Ellie and Parker came out, I causiously asked him if he wanted to grab starbucks or frozen yogurt - to my surprise, he agreed.
(we need to remember, he easily ghosted me without communication and after many pleads to connect)
The time was great together, we kept it light - caught up about the house sale, move and other major life events to occur over an entire year. At that time, I told him I still do not fully understand what and why he did what he did, nontheless, I told him I wanted simply to reconnect for the next 6 months or so, keep it lighthearted, fun, memory making, etc. Then, we talked about having deeping conversations with a therapist to understand root cause and how we can grow closer. Queue the next 8 months…
We connected and spent time over a few light weekend visits, dinners, movies and family.
Parker then had a major accident on his motorcyle and ended up in the hospital, ICU. I dropped everything, work, concrete pour day of and hauled in to San Diego and sat by his side through the week.
Momentum built, trips, weekends and other plans made. We went to Hawaii with the entire Abell family for 9 days in the summer
I worked to help him get his license by first obtaining his permit in the summer and other things I was asked to help with.
We spent time at the new house, more shopping, movies, expensive lunches, dinners. We went to the river, back in the water - boat, jetski, tubing -
Airshow, Lobster hooping with Parker, D38 Race, October, Thanksgiving, December Desert Trips - even buying a motorcycle for Parker to primarily use.
I was just so thrilled to have my son back.
We concluded the window of time with a Christmas, New Years - I originally scheduled to pick them up at noon but Parker said he didnt want to go to Kristen’s family event, so we switched to 3:00 PM. Kristen and I got tied up and left the event at 3:00, called Ellie and told her when we’d arrive, 40 minutes later. As I approached the house, I texted and called Parker many times with no answer. We were sitting in the driveway (my entire family was pausing dinner for us) he finally answered put my on speaker for Ellie, Christina to hear - I didnt yell, but asked him “whats going on? are you coming?” - and apparently they were writing cards for a gift for me and as retialiation they threw them away. This would have been the most meaningful gift I could imagine, considering the year gap and all the pain inflicted. Instead, Kristen and I drove a quick loop and came back to both kids copping attitude saying I left them when they were late.
We went to the house, I wined and dined them - movies, shopping, big meals, axe throwing - we gave them all their Christmas gifts and wrapped with a 1x1 Father/Son night desert trip. He and I with rzr and 450 went on 4 rides, he was tearing up the sand and loving it. We went on a night ride, had good conversation in which I did mention that I think it was time that we have deeper conversation as discussed 7 or so months prior. He agreed - we continued the night and fell asleep watching Die Hard, one of my favorite days in a long time. Suppose to be 1 of MANY.
I had spinal reconstructive surgery early Jan 24 - I wanted to see the kids prior and took them to dinner the night before with Kristen. Said goodby and I loved them and went under the knife, stayed in the hospital, went through recovery…… and… what do you know? When I wasnt pressing contact, Parker’s contact began to drift. He did text a couple times in January and then when I was trying to plan a family event for his birthday and POOF - no contact, cut OFF.. back to old form… He stopped answering my texts, calls, disabled location tracking on his phone. I was trying to get him licensed for a multitude of reasons - I knew hes always wanted to drive and has been since a young age but especially, it was to unlock a complete new chapter in our relationship. Now he would have the flexibility - he could easily drive out for a weekend and bring Ellie with him. We could plan adventure trips, meet with family easier etc…
This was the circled date and when it was time to pin it down? He disappears, pops back up to tell me he is getting licensed in CA and then asks if i can setup Driver’s Ed - I do so and he cant even respond to a joint message with me and the instructor? That is his level of ghosting. For what? I had surgery, was recovering and poof - gone. Not me alone, his Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Cousins - they have always been good and there for them and Parker so easily tosses us all in the trash.
So…. How else do you interpret Parker’s behavior over the years? This is not a momentary thing, this is ongoing for 3 years with still little to no communication why, nor an effort to establish communication.
From what I can tell, we reconnected not by intention but mandate. I had a legal right to be in that room with his teachers - I extended love and grace - no anger or reation.. Then, I confirm its going to be all rosses and rainbows, fun and memories for while until we get into the meat of the issue, our relationship, etc.
So - he is showered with vacations, gifts, motorcycles, expensive dinners - I was auditioning to be his dad - All fun and smiles, nothing deep just give give and he took and took. Then, when the Disneyland window closing and I am vulnerable with spinal surgery and recovery, he slowly tip toes out of the door. Seems to me like he swooped in to maximize all he could possible get and when it comes time for reciprocation, out the door.
Sound like someone else I know hes closely related to.
So, now what? The amount of damage caused from these episodes of disregard and ghosting. He is 1.5 years from adulthood and is aware of his decisions and impacts as a result. I have many conversations recorded over the 3 years in which I clearly articulate how much I love him, how damaging these actions are to me and the rest of the family. Still - its like toture. I am completely devastated, wreck my life, my health, job, marraige - then POPs back in, Im exstatic, start making planned, desperately want to make up for lost time… then after 7 month without cause or at min communication - GONE again, devastated all over again.
So, what can I do at this point? I have to protect the family that actually love me. I have to protect myself and the rest, I know I have done so so much and have proof of it all. I am bipolar, my illness itself is a rollercoaster, this supercharged that up/down - and almost killed me… twice.
This behavior, unjust loss communication stole the last good summer of our lives - Keith was healthy, at the river with us and Tyler was moving out in August - that entire summer was tained with the mental anguish from this.
I have spoken to therapist, friends, parents and my wife - I cant force someone to care or love me, I simply cannot. At this point, have to remove Parker from my mind - I will be here and ready to talk if he ever comes around.. but at this point, I have NO plans or expecations whatsoever of that he will.
It breaks my heart and I honestly didnt think anything could drive me to this point, but he has made his position, mindset clear many many times over these past 3 years. I will no longer chase, no longer engage - I will be here if/when hes ready.