dichotomy

I have always been obsessed with the concept of dichotomy. 

Duality is seen everywhere and distilled to the most basic parts, represents the balance of good vs evil… light vs dark

I see duality in almost everything - politics, medicine, family, government policy, news, manipulated optics - the list goes on.  

This up / down, all or nothing - black or white lens in which I see the world was built into my psyche mostly by way of my bipolar diagnosis. I have an illness that is predicated on highs and lows, happy v sad, energy vs lethargy. I know the ups vs downs more than most - some days I will wake up HAPPY, excited and ready to take on the world… other mornings, ill wake up, dead to the world, in despair and agony..  I have a full arm tattoo to showcase the concept of dark vs light - manic vs depressed, beautiful vs cryptic - my biPolar tree represents this split of up vs down - the tree splits in the middle, on the inside - represents the dark side, scary, evil, twisted - whereas the outside of my arm is the light side, the vibrant colors showcasing beauty, light, positive… the tattoo epitomizes my mental illness and solidifies my conceptualization of duality. 

I see it in places you would not look to find - drugs, medications. What must go UP therefore must go DOWN. Meaning, the degree of euphoria, feelings of getting ‘high’ is directly correlated to the amount of suffering experienced during detox/withdrawal. The highest I had ever been across the spectrum of drugs I have taken is by far and away Fentanyl. Prior to discovering Fentanyl, I was prescribed traditionally heavy opiate medications (morphine, dilaudid, oxycodone, etc) and experienced in great deal the nightmare that is withdrawal sickness. What is important to note is that the degree of detox agony is directly related to the potency and frequency of the drug. The more one consumes, frequency of consumption is a direct factor in the forthcoming detox agony. In addition, benzodiazepines (anti anxiety medication) also works similarly in which anxiety is artificially suppressed, which can work for a time, however when these drugs are ceased, the rebound anxiety, result from the detoxification process is again directly correlated and for how much the anxiety is suppressed in the moment, it is directly correlated with an inverted relationship. 

In a time of wondering, doubt, hopelessness - in times I don't feel like I have a grasp on who I am, where my faith is….  When I doubt where God is and why I don't feel His presence more - I was given such a clear indication of His presence through the overwhelming evidence of the CONTRARY darkness everywhere in this world now. Agents of evil don't even try to hide it anymore, satanic churches, abortions peddling, political persecution, 2 tier justice system, child mutilation/indoctrination, manipulated optics, entrapment, domination and control, etc…  the presence of evil is so dominant and overwhelming… therefore, it is fair to deduce that with such a prevalence of evil, we have (albeit much quieter) equal forms of GOOD. This is the clear indication to me of the truth in all the teachings we studied in school and church are absolutely fact even though it is being systematically suppressed. 

This realization is what has recently galvanized my faith, given me a new injection of motivation around my faith. That fact alone has catapulted me back to the loving arms of Jesus Christ and reignited my faith altogether. We must not look nor test God with asking for signs, deliberate acts of faith confirmation - that is not what He does, rather allows us to exercise faith and trust in Him. God speaks in many ways, but you need to be on the lookout and in constant prayer to open your heart to see them. This is something I personally have struggled in the past and at times become angry and irritable when I don't see what I am hoping for. That is when I had the realization and leaned into my obsession with dichotomy. While myself and others might have doubts around the presence of God, its the prevalence of EVIL everywhere that confirms everything for me. There is a spiritual war being waged right now, evil is everywhere. If the devil is indeed real and at work then so too is his counterpart - God of heavens and the earth. Take inspiration from this illustration and know that we are His children.