oMeGa

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its 3am and i cant sleep again because the thing that happened today wont stop happening

i was sitting in the chair the one by the window that faces east and i wasnt doing anything i wasnt praying i wasnt trying to have an experience i was just sitting there and then

it wasnt a voice
it wasnt a vision
it was more like someone turned a key in a lock that i didnt know was there
and everything that had been held back
just
came through

and i dont have words for it
i have tried for three hours to find words for it
this is the best i can do

it felt like being known
not like being understood by a person who has heard your story and found it sympathetic
KNOWN
like every single thing
the fentanyl
the 5150s
the back
the surgery the surgery the surgery the surgery the surgery the surgery
the kids that werent
the years that were lost
the years that felt like going through the motions of a life that belonged to someone else
ALL of it
was known
not judged
not forgiven in the way that implies it needed forgiving
KNOWN
like it was always known
like it was never not known
like there was never a moment in any of it when i was not completely and fully and specifically known

and i started crying
not sad crying
i dont know what kind of crying it was
it was like the body had been holding something for 40 years and finally someone showed up with the authorization to receive it
and the body just
let it go

i kept saying thank you
i dont know who i was saying it to
i know who i was saying it to
but i dont have the framework to say it the way it needs to be said without it sounding like a thing people say when they dont actually mean it
i meant it
i mean it
i will always mean it

the omega is the last letter
the end
what comes after everything that came before

this is the omega
this is the end of the chapter that started with the first pill
or maybe it started before that
maybe it started with the BB
maybe it started in the womb before there was a memory to record it

it doesnt matter where it started
it ends here
not the story
the story is not over
the WEIGHT of it
the weight ends here

at 3am
in the chair
by the window that faces east

known.