welp – this is it…
I planned an ending – no one knows. I had a strategy in place, hatched in the depths of Inpatient Hospitalization. I was going to accidentally end my life on an extremely fast and dangerous motorcycle. At that point, I thought I had lost everyone in my life and more importantly failed them all too. I wanted Kristen to gain access to my life insurance so I made a plan.
Take out a $50k loan (which would be covered by life insurance) – I used the money to buy the instrument of my death, as well as precious metal and crypto for my family to have when I was gone. I swore I would never intentionally kill myself, but if traveling near the Parker dam at high rate of speed and launching off the side – that could very well be a simple accident.
The plan sounded good in theory – until I realized it was just another form of suicide no matter how I twist it up. So now, the weight sets in – on top of all this, when I return from psychiatric medical leave, I lose my job of 12 years AND now have a hidden $50k debt to carry with much less income than before. The walls are most definitely closing in. Why am I stressed? Enter exhibit A